Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Date With Stephen McCleskey

A question was posed to me a while ago. This wasn’t the typical question I get from people about the Bible, my philosophical views, what I see as beautiful, or how to make a velociraptor tap out.* This question was ‘What does a date with THE Stephen McCleskey look like?’ At first I was taken aback. I’ve been off the market for sometime because of my multiple jobs as an astronaut\spacepirate, animal charmer, lady charmer, philosopher, composer, performer, gamer, Master Chief, rapper, gangster, spy, mechanic, and time-traveler. So to ask me about dating would have been to ask Nietzsche about his first book. It’s been so long since I’ve written a book about dating, I had never really thought about it since.

And so I asked for time off from being the REAL president of the United States, headed to the REAL Camp David and pondered for weeks… What does a date with me look like?

1) It is well known that I drive a VW Beetle, ’02 model, because of the gas economy and the missiles I’ve equipped to it. However, this car is actually (for some reason beyond me) not conducive to getting a girl. So, my first piece of advice is… Borrow a car. I borrow my mother’s car for all my dates. Why? Because it isn’t my car. It is a well-known fact that the best relationships are made of harmless deception. Being kind of honest is obviously superior to being completely honest. Look at the rate of people getting married today! Dishonest perceptions are the in and it is WORKING! If you’re into telling the truth ALL the time, reduce the amount of money you make into a small amount. Say you make 250 dollars a month say, ‘Yeah, I pull into around 1000 quarters a month. If you want to sound awesome, tell her you make 25,000 cents a month. But kinda cough when you say cents and end the ‘cough’ with ‘-ers’.

2) So we’re in my mother’s car going to our first destination. A classy restaurant? Absolutely. But the problem I’ve seen is this: We are poor. So how does a guy get that hot chick to a classy restaurant for a reasonable price?

Applebee’s has resolved this issue. The God-given 2 for 20 meal. Any eligible bachelor has twenty bucks. That means any eligible bachelor can take a nice girl on a nice date: Or a not nice girl on a nice date. Either way, it’s a nice date. To drink? Water. It’s healthier.

3) So you’ve eaten and are back in your mother’s car. It’s movie time. But what film should you choose? That new chick flick she’s been wanting to see? Nah, she’s think you’re too serious too soon. That crude comedy? Nah, it’s crude. Not a very good date movie for a first date. Action film? Absolutely. What could be a better choice? Nothing. Why? Because guns, explosions, cars, abs, and guns. And there are ALWAYS the obligatory one liner like, ‘Hasta la vista, baby’, which you can use when you drop your date off at her house before she gets out of the car (because I’m not going to walk her to her door. The world is dangerous and it’s dark outside). Action films: The way to go.

4) So the movie is over and it was awesome. Time for something sweet? Braums

5) Finally, when you take her back to her place don’t say anything. Let he revel in the awesomeness that is the date you just took her on. Not a word. Then when you reach her house, mess with the locks until finally she accidently gets it. Flirting is so adorable and she’ll consider it an endearing quality. Don’t walk her to her porch because that chauvinist action isn’t worth it. It can only hurt you in more way than one. After all, it is dark outside.

Congrats, dude! You just completed the best date ever! Don’t forget to call that lucky girl tomorrow to arrange for a second date! And always remember; if she lives too far away, the gas isn’t worth it.

*To properly get a velociraptor to submit, you must first break its pride by whispering sweet nothings to it, followed by a retraction of those. For instance, ‘Oh wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight, fatty!’ Adding a ‘sike!’ or a ‘NOT!’ right after the compliment is always effective. Once they are taken a back by the stray comment, slip your forearm under their large jaws and around the neck and simply pull back. Instinctually, those idiots will try to stay up via their tail. However, we have more upper body strength and the counter weight from top to bottom will topple the beast. Now just apply ample pressure to its throat and victory is YOURS!

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