I've got a great church. They are giving, they love the Lord and they will do anything short of sin to help anyone in trouble. In stark contrast, I do it all myself. I'm giving but I'm shrewd. I'm also extremely prideful. I'd rather die than ask for help. I'd rather get lost than ask for directions. (Amber nods her head yes in agreement from six hours away.)
In short, I hate asking for help.
So I had to ask my pastor for help yesterday. He was receptive to everything I said and agreed that, currently, I cannot make ends meet and make a big contribution to the youth group. So he called me today and said the personnel committee wants to meet with me on Sunday and talk over how we can get things resolved.
It's the most awkward thing in the world to write a letter to your church's personnel committee basically asking for money. It's like I was asking for another fix. I really didn't like it. But then again, I don't like asking for anything. I'm the guy that tries to slip that $20 back in mom's purse after she hands it to me. I once got sad because my bank card declined (it was broken) and Amber had to pay for movie tickets on a date night. Yeah, I'm THAT guy. Money is a big deal to me. For me, it's security. It's comfort. I know the value of money because I've never had it. And when I don't have any, it's a devastating thing for me.
So I wrote the awkward letter with my monthly expenses, my future education certificate expenses, and future goals, gave them MY numbers (might as well be number) and reasoned. I won't divulge anything from that because it's private, of course.
When Clay called me today, I just wept after we hung up our phones. "God provided again". Just like He always does.
In all this, I can feel God reminding of His words.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
In the end, I wish I were still in college. If I had done what I was really supposed to, I would be for one more year. Block three and student teaching. And I'd also be miserable. I know that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to do. I know it's how it's supposed to go. And I know that, not because it's mind-numbingly difficult (and it is!) but I know that because I have a peace that comes with it. I don't feel pressed to make payments or whatever. And why should I? God has been providing for me every since I got here! If I've been in a tight spot, He has covered me. Someone hands me $50 bucks in Sunday church. Someone brings a washer and dryer. Someone gives me a fridge. I've been blessed, not so I can succeed, but so I can bless others. And that's the whole reason why I'm even in Lindsay! The church brought me here. My school job only came after I committed, and MOVED, to Lindsay. Through this whole things, three different verses (and stories) have come to me over and over.
1) Abram and his big move! "The Lord had said to Abram, "Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others." (Genesis 12:1,2 NLT) Abram had to leave everything he had, everything he knew and follow God into the wilderness. God started something magnificent through Him and Abram had to have faith, though failing many times, that God WOULD do those things.
2) What love is. "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless! But love will last forever." (1 Cor. 13:7,8) You hear it at weddings. Really, sweet right? But in my life, this isn't just for Amber or my family any one one particular person. What does Jesus say to the Pharisees in Matthew? "...'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' The entire law and the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments." (Matt. 22:37-40) and again, "And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!" (Matt. 25:40) Love is more than romantic and more than family. It is desiring the best for those around you, and we're all called to do that. I'm fortunate enough to have a youth group and a band full of students to do that for. I don't have kids yet. So, for now, God has called me to this region for these kids. And I have to remember that when I get discouraged, because it happens frequently.
3) It isn't about me "Who is this who darkens counsel with words lacking knowledge?" (Job 38:1) Yesterday, I yelled at God. Well, I screamed at him. And I was cussing mad. Things weren't going my way and I didn't take to that. So I assumed I knew better than God. He quickly showed me otherwise. He basically said, "Remember Job? Keep going, kid." And so I did. And things have been fine. I struggle and try to kick out of His grasp but He holds on to me tighter. Sometimes He lets me out of His arms and try to cold world by myself but then I whine and He picks me up. So I tie that all around to say that, sometimes being adult means being a kid. It means staying in Dad's arms and just letting Him take care of the day. And I'm learning that more and more every day. He shows me how to love others with His kind of love. He shows me how to love Amber and my family with His kind of love and He tutors me in His ways, because I don't stand a chance without His teaching. So... Yeah... Pray for me!
Monday, June 3, 2013
I’m sitting in the Fine Arts break room at East Central. On my computer typing. But I’m not doing homework, I’m typing a blog. And I’m here, and not at the apartment, because I don’t live there anymore. I don’t live in Ada anymore. I live in Lindsay, Oklahoma. I’m 23. I’m living by myself. And it would be all awesome if I were married yet or if there were more people my age there that weren’t into drinking or doing meth. The truth is, in Lindsay, right now, I’m lonely. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t have Internet. Nothing wrong with that either. I am alone, but at the same time I know I’m not alone because the Lord is with me always. In the backdrop of this move to Lindsay, God has been ministering to me since day one. He told me to be patient; I wanted until June 1 to move in. Done. Now it seems like my world is collapsing upon me. I don’t have too much money, the church is wanting to cut some of what they’re paying me because I’m not driving from Ada anymore. On top of all this, Amber is gone to work at camp so my closest confidant is six hours away. My family is an hour away. All of my friends are also an hour away in any direction. On the surface, I should be freaking out or institutionalized. But, like I said, God is ministering to me in this mess. My evening reading was Psalms 1-10. I felt led to read the Psalms aloud with intensity, like I was preaching them. The basic theme through the first ten Psalms is that God is with you, no matter how your enemies are. No matter how many stand against you, God is in the midst. And so by the tenth Psalm, my voice was ragged and I was almost in tears. I wasn’t broken. But I was at rock bottom. God healed me last night. In His great mercy, He made me whole. He made me work. This morning, I woke up and got a plan of action together. I applied at IBC Bank in Lindsay, I got my resume, changed my address, mailed my letters to Amber and got a PO Box, paid rent and made it to Ada. Before all this, however, my car didn’t start. So I had to be patient. I tried to move it to a good spot to get a charge from Clay, who was on his way. In the midst of pushing it, the car just started. God moved again. As I was filling out my application at IBC , mom texted me some great news we had been praying about before. I won’t mention it now but if she ends up getting on at this place, I’ll write that story because it’s powerful. I’m lonely and financially beat up. And I’m right where God wants me. I’m helpless and so He can work through what I don’t have. I can’t even take care of myself. God is here. So pray for me as I keep you all in mind. Amber, I love you. I’ll try, again, to post more here. I don’t have the interwebs at the house so it’ll be a little difficult. Soli Deo Gloria, to God alone be the glory.