Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Fear 11

After my note the other night on my ten biggest fears, a friend of mine had a dream about Zombie Velociraptors. It had never occurred to me... Velociraptors can contract necrosis also. At this thought, I stopped what I was doing (driving) and began crying. If that happened, life as we know it would end. Zombie apocalypse, velociraptor invasion... Zombie Velociraptor Apocalypse... Invasion...? "Poopy crap...", I thought to myself. "Golly-gee, what can I do to make sure this doesn't happen...?"

Then I knew... I discovered their weakness in a moment of my own weakness. Zombies are weak to guns, swords, chainsaws, and fire. Velociprators are weak to tire irons, asteroids, and David Hasslehoff. I needed to develop a weapon that combined all of these in order to defeat the possible Zombie Velociraptor Apocavasion Super Funfest. Unfortunately, I couldn't make said weapon. So here's some tips to beating the horde of Zombies, Raptors, and Zombieraptors.

1) Have spotlights on hand. Zombie Raptors (ZRs) don't like light and will turn back. LED Flashlights work best, if the beam is wide enough. You can't turn back three ZRs with a keyring light.

2) Play Peking Opera or any kind of music with atonal themes, and\or dissonances. ZRs appreciate tonal harmony and are attracted to greats like Bach, Beethoven, and Mozart. If you want them to go away, blast some Schoenberg. Or Cage. ZRs really hate Cage.

3) Guns are cool. Use them. ZRs are really outmatched by the Walther PPK. I prefer it because, despite it's small clip capacity, it's a great handgun for on the run ZRs disposal.

4) Use cars. Necrosis doesn't make ZRs grow. Use cars, like the reliable VW, to show those stupid, undead, dinos what's up. Why the VW, you ask? Simple. They use them as taxis in Germany. Why NOT use them?

5) Finally, find a really, really, cool flamethrower. It'll help. Trust me.

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