Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My Top Ten Fears (In No Order)

1. Sharks
Yes, I do love sharks. They're so cute with their deadly teeth and deadly swimming speed. But they are also meant to be feared. They can appear anywhere at anytime and you MUST BE READY! Here are some suggestions on shark attack preparation. 1) Man the harpoons. 2) Don't carry raw fish wherever you go. Blood is also a no-no. 3) Do NOT be fooled by their gills and fins and lack of legs. Sharks are just as deadly on land as they are on sea, and even deadlier in the air -unless don't have their laser-equipped jet rockets on.

2. Zombie Apocalypse
I'm not really as much scared as I am excited for this one. Too bad it isn't realistic or plausible in anyway. But if it does happen... Learn to shoot.

3. Losing my hearing
I use my ears a lot. I don't want this. :(

4. Nuclear Holocaust
One minute, I'm having the time of my life in Denver. Next, I'm a pile of radioactive ashes. Bad day... Bad day.

5. Velociraptor invasion
Velociraptors are mean. Yeah, they're the size of chickens. Think of them as only chickens and DIE A HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL DEATH! 1\100 Americans are victimized by raptor attacks, and 5 of those (5\500) die from these attacks, no bodies. No nothing. Raptors are an ingenius species, escaping noticed of modern science (they hold that velociraptors went extinct 64 million years ago) and developing a weapons program based on human bodies. As we speak, they are reanimating the bodies captured and reintroducing them into the world with one objective: kill humans. Here are some ways to avoid raptors and their human-mind slaves. 1) Stay away from islands in the middle of nowhere, doing clone experiments. 2) Remember, their necks can be broken but their toe claw cannot. Run as fast as you can. 3) Don't stay in one place too long. Raptors take five minutes to open a door, and even less time to open subsequent doors. 4) Raptor mind-slaves will dress in the main style of the region they are in. Most mind slaves here in Oklahoma are of the white trash persuasion. And finally, keep on your guard. Raptors hate light.

6. Finding a freaking tiger in my bathroom after my roommates party the night before
Self explanatory.

7. Drowning
I hate water.

8. The Sun
I burn easily. The Sun and I are mortal enemies. As long as I have my mighty sunscreen, though, the Sun is at MY mercy!

9. Getting stabbed in the kidney
Think of getting punched in the kidney. Now think of getting stabbed. DGSCVIUP ADFV ADFSVIAN DFSPOV LADFN N

10. Bears

A. Grizzly Bears- The most vicious of the American bears, Grizzlies arm themselves in response to forest fires. In wildfires, the most casualties are from angry, gun-wielding bears.

B. Polar Bears- The snipers of the bears, their snow-white fur is a perfect ghillie suit for human sniping in the northern and southern hemispheres. What, polar bears are only in one? Think again. You're probably in a room with default white walls. Guess who just snuck in unnoticed and is licking his lips. A freaking polar bear.

C. Panda Bears- They will literally rip your face off. Ever see that movie Ninja Assassin? They're like that, only they're bears. Panda bears are the assassins of the bears. Stealthy, despite their portly stature.

D. Kodak Bears- These are the tanks of the bears. They can withstand nuclear warhead blasts and deal out a similar amount of damage. Ironically, they are also like the monks of the bears. They do not enjoy violence, and very rarely do they fight with their frightening brethren.

E. Black Bears- Black Bears are like... They're kinda... Black Bears are the king of bears. Large, quick, and explosive. Literally. Black Bears can explode at will, leveling entire cities of around Ada's size. Remember that town in Colorado? No. Black Bears exploded in it.

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