Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Top Five Hardest Animals to Kill

Ever wonder which animals NOT to meet in a dark alley without a tire iron or Kurt Russel? These are it. This will enrich your life. I promise.

5) The Rhymnocerus

The Rhymnocerus has a weird way of convincingly telling you that you don't want to kill it because of it's mad rap skills and great cooking. But DO NOT fall for this trap. It will stomp you, while rapping about how stupid you were and how it's fun to stomp you. Recommended plan of action is to simply ignore the Rhymnocerus. It will get so cross that it will just simply cry because you didn't listen to its fly rap. But it's okay. It wasn't that fly anyway. He just thought it was. Technically, you can't really KILL the Rhymnocerus because he's really just a big baby. But please note, it will kill you if given the chance.

4) Man-Bear-Pig

I know what you're thinking. "Man- Bear- Pig ISN'T killable. He's half man, half bear, and half pig! Well, citizen, you're right. Man- Bear- Pig is nigh unstoppable. In the heat of battle, one never thinks about things as clearly as they do sitting at a desk or laying in grass. No, when you do battle with Man- Bear- Big, you have to keep your head and remember: if he has three strengths, he has three weaknesses. Man, his weakness is gun. Bear, poisoned\explosive\flaming honey. Pig, gun. See? Three weaknesses.

3) Flying Zombie Shark with a Jet- Pack and Heatbeam

Lets just face it. When you see a zombie shark flying at you, firing a heat beam, you're probably going to feel a little outmatched. I mean, c'mon. It's a shark. Hundred of people die every day from Flying Zombie Shark with a Jet- Pack and Heatbeam encounters Thousands more are scarred from the experience. If you want to survive, this is how you do it: rocket launcher. Being the Master Chief wouldn't hurt either.

2) Bearsharktopus

No one has ever killed one. No one has ever survived an attack by one. The Bearsharktopus is an elusive creature, only ever seen one time. Not a lot is known about this animal, other than that it WILL COMPLETELY MURDER YOU. If it were going to have a weakness, I would guess that it was a Japan version of Captain Ahab, with a large gun hand. But since no one has one of those on hand in case of emergencies... Just don't encounter the Bearsharktopus.

Also 2) A Freaking Panda Bear Riding a Freaking Shark On Land (While practicing 28th amendment rights, "The Right to Arm Bears".)

This bear is a member of the NRA. This shark likes killing stuff. Together, they are invincible. The reason why this is also number two is because it is in the same family as the Bearsharktopus. This creature has a weakness, though. A weakness: Fox News. This bear is so right wing, that it will stop whatever it's doing and watch Fox News. It could literally spend HOURS watching that network news channel. But, and this is the irony, the shark is a liberal. It could spend hours fighting with the bear. If you can pull this off when in battle with this creature, you might just seen an epic battle of Bear with a gun versus a Land Shark. Grab some popcorn.

NUMBUH 1) The Philosoraptor

The Philosoraptor is the leader of the Raptor Federation of Raptorland. He is the wisest and the strongest of his kind and knows no fear. The creature has had millenia to hone his skills of philosophically murdering you and then seriously murdering you. The Philosopraptor doesn't even need a gun or sword. He can just make your head explode with philosophy. How can you counter this? There is only one way, and it is risky because you just bring about your fate all the sooner. Say to him, "De omnibus dubitandum est". The English translation is "Everything is to be doubted". If you say this to the Philosoraptor, you will force it to think inwardly until is explodes. Claim victory, young philosopher!

Just watch out for the horde of raptors trying to find you because you just killed a Philosoraptor. Carry your tire iron.

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